Intolerable Guilt

Sometimes, I hate the fact that your life revolves around you. Because then I have to watch your entire universe spin into the freeway when I'm not around, without any direction or purpose. Because then I have to watch you be all alone and feel all alone. Because then, I hate myself for being the reason behind the misery of the one person I would kill to see happy. Feel good. Be alright. I can't afford having you otherwise. It's intolerable.

An Insomniac

It was hard to see such a beautiful soul grow so sick and tired all the time. It was difficult seeing that broken look on her face, glimpsing that tear in her eye that shimmers out of pity for herself. It was difficult to imagine she was once so young, so full of youth, health and well-being. That must have been what she was thinking too. Everytime her face flushed red and her facial expressions transformed to sorrow, she must have thought of what she used to be. How does a person go through that? How does a person go from being a child to a youth to an adult to someone who is aging? How do they have the strength to witness themselves grow weaker and weaker? I wondered. It hurt me. It scared me. But I was certain her fears and pains were far far more aching than mine. Because they always kept her up at night. Every night.

Failed Confrontation

There stood my memories,
Meters away from me.
They stared at me.
They glared at me.
They wondered why I stopped visiting..
Why I wasn't reliving them.

Memories laughed.
Memories cried.
Memories were curious
But they got no answers..
For I didn't have them.
I never had them.
But my heart did.
It always did.

Bitter Parting Of The Hearts

I fake a smile so you don't see
What your parting does to me
I fake a laugh so you can't tell
That my life without you is a living hell
But after all my strength is drained
And all my persistence has turned to pain
I must say,
I will miss you.

Remember,
I'm leaving my heart with you.
I'm leaving my soul with you.
I'm leaving my good times with you.
I'm leaving my laughter with you.

And I will return.
I will return to have them all..
Just as soon as I have you.

A Heart Breaking Loudly

I saw her change into a person that wears her heartbreak for everyone to see. I watched her as her smile faded, day by day, until it no longer appeared. I sensed her grow old on the inside, losing confidence in all the beautiful things that make her. I felt resentment. I felt resentment for every jackass who put her in that place.

Beyond Comprehension

One day, you will understand what your tear does to me.
One day, you will understand that it tears me up on the inside and leaves me exposed, like an open wound.
One day, you will understand that I can bear the world crumbling down..but I cannot bear that look of helplessness in your eyes.
One day, you will understand that when your laugh is loud and your cry is silenced on the inside, a dagger goes through my heart because I can always tell when you're faking.
One day, you will understand that each tear I cried, I cried in fear of you feeling pain.
One day, you will understand that I love you to an extent in which my heartache doesn't matter to me while your mere frown can shake my entire universe.
One day, you will understand.
I only hope you will come close to understanding.

Let's Pretend We're Alright

As the days passed, I hoped for magic powers..or only one power. A power which can make time stand still...or pass really quickly, sparing me the torture of being away from you. I held a straight face in front of you. I relied on pretenses to persuade you that I was alright..that I was not shaken by it. But the truth is, I was terrified. Every time I have to be away from you, it scares me to death. It's all the little things that I think of. It's all the little things that I'm going to miss. Like how will a day pass without me looking in your eyes? What will I do when I'm in a bad mood and I don't have your embrace to calm me down? It frightens me that in those few days in which we will be oceans away from one another, you would need me and not find me right next to you. So, I keep praying. I pray that you would be distracted by all the things that never distract you from me. Just for these few short days, I pray that you would be so busy and so happy with people other than me that I don't have to deal with your heartaching phone call that describes how much you miss me. You see, I can handle my pain. I can handle my longing to see you. But what I cannot handle is your frown. I cannot handle a temporary lack of happiness in your life. And more than anything in the world, I cannot handle the idea of not being beside you when all you want is only that.

P.S I will miss you more than you could ever imagine. But this, too, shall pass. So, let's just pretend we're alright until it does. Let's believe it won't kill us.