Intolerable Guilt

Sometimes, I hate the fact that your life revolves around you. Because then I have to watch your entire universe spin into the freeway when I'm not around, without any direction or purpose. Because then I have to watch you be all alone and feel all alone. Because then, I hate myself for being the reason behind the misery of the one person I would kill to see happy. Feel good. Be alright. I can't afford having you otherwise. It's intolerable.

An Insomniac

It was hard to see such a beautiful soul grow so sick and tired all the time. It was difficult seeing that broken look on her face, glimpsing that tear in her eye that shimmers out of pity for herself. It was difficult to imagine she was once so young, so full of youth, health and well-being. That must have been what she was thinking too. Everytime her face flushed red and her facial expressions transformed to sorrow, she must have thought of what she used to be. How does a person go through that? How does a person go from being a child to a youth to an adult to someone who is aging? How do they have the strength to witness themselves grow weaker and weaker? I wondered. It hurt me. It scared me. But I was certain her fears and pains were far far more aching than mine. Because they always kept her up at night. Every night.

Failed Confrontation

There stood my memories,
Meters away from me.
They stared at me.
They glared at me.
They wondered why I stopped visiting..
Why I wasn't reliving them.

Memories laughed.
Memories cried.
Memories were curious
But they got no answers..
For I didn't have them.
I never had them.
But my heart did.
It always did.

Bitter Parting Of The Hearts

I fake a smile so you don't see
What your parting does to me
I fake a laugh so you can't tell
That my life without you is a living hell
But after all my strength is drained
And all my persistence has turned to pain
I must say,
I will miss you.

Remember,
I'm leaving my heart with you.
I'm leaving my soul with you.
I'm leaving my good times with you.
I'm leaving my laughter with you.

And I will return.
I will return to have them all..
Just as soon as I have you.

A Heart Breaking Loudly

I saw her change into a person that wears her heartbreak for everyone to see. I watched her as her smile faded, day by day, until it no longer appeared. I sensed her grow old on the inside, losing confidence in all the beautiful things that make her. I felt resentment. I felt resentment for every jackass who put her in that place.

Beyond Comprehension

One day, you will understand what your tear does to me.
One day, you will understand that it tears me up on the inside and leaves me exposed, like an open wound.
One day, you will understand that I can bear the world crumbling down..but I cannot bear that look of helplessness in your eyes.
One day, you will understand that when your laugh is loud and your cry is silenced on the inside, a dagger goes through my heart because I can always tell when you're faking.
One day, you will understand that each tear I cried, I cried in fear of you feeling pain.
One day, you will understand that I love you to an extent in which my heartache doesn't matter to me while your mere frown can shake my entire universe.
One day, you will understand.
I only hope you will come close to understanding.

Let's Pretend We're Alright

As the days passed, I hoped for magic powers..or only one power. A power which can make time stand still...or pass really quickly, sparing me the torture of being away from you. I held a straight face in front of you. I relied on pretenses to persuade you that I was alright..that I was not shaken by it. But the truth is, I was terrified. Every time I have to be away from you, it scares me to death. It's all the little things that I think of. It's all the little things that I'm going to miss. Like how will a day pass without me looking in your eyes? What will I do when I'm in a bad mood and I don't have your embrace to calm me down? It frightens me that in those few days in which we will be oceans away from one another, you would need me and not find me right next to you. So, I keep praying. I pray that you would be distracted by all the things that never distract you from me. Just for these few short days, I pray that you would be so busy and so happy with people other than me that I don't have to deal with your heartaching phone call that describes how much you miss me. You see, I can handle my pain. I can handle my longing to see you. But what I cannot handle is your frown. I cannot handle a temporary lack of happiness in your life. And more than anything in the world, I cannot handle the idea of not being beside you when all you want is only that.

P.S I will miss you more than you could ever imagine. But this, too, shall pass. So, let's just pretend we're alright until it does. Let's believe it won't kill us.

Surprises & Disappointments

Today, more than any other day, I wondered what on earth happened to friendship? How is it that the people I expected so little from, gave me so much...yet the people I expected the world from, gave me nothing?! The world is a funny place. You find friends at unexpected corners and people who you thought were friends...they stray along the way.

Words, come back.

Every time I had a doubt, a fear or a pain in my chest, I would put pen to paper and write. I would unleash my deepest emotions into a series of words. They may be abstract and they may be clear. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered that when I let my pen down, my mind was at ease. I could breathe a little easier. A lot easier. Words were my salvation. But what do I do when they don't come to my rescue? When I try and I try but the tools with which I once comforted myself had malfunctioned? Where do I go from there? How do I breathe easy now?

Ties Untied

No matter how hard we try to keep the ties tied, they never seem to remain that way. One day, strangers become friends and overnight, friends become strangers. The signs are always there but it takes such a gradual pace that although you see it coming, you never really believe you will get there. That person who you shared everything with...you never believe that one day, you will know nothing about until that day comes when you realize you are no longer on their mind and the sad thing is, they are no longer on yours. Nonetheless, I was one of those people who believed that distance doesn't necessarily break ties completely. Perhaps the connection between two people can grow weaker but in times of need, in times of despair and in times of true happiness, I believed that friends bond again. I believed that in those times, they remember each other again. I was wrong. When ties become untied, that is obviously the end of it.

That Happy Girl

In case you ever wondered, I just want you to know, I'm in a better place right now. I'm in a happier place. You'd never see me without my smile on and the best part is, it's always straight from my heart. I excelled at the most recent phase of my life and I'm expecting to do pretty well in the next one. I have a good life now. I rarely ponder upon my day-to-day existence and wish for anything more because I've got enough to fill me up for a hundred lifetimes to come. I'm in a good place. And I'm happy.

Friends, Family and Acquaintances

I heard that at some point, your friends become family. Their mistakes, no matter how huge, become forgivable because you have no other option but to forgive, forget, let go and hold on to what you've got. But even family grows apart. Even people with the same genes and blood grow away from eachother and become fonder of other people. Sisters meet boys and brothers meet girls and they move on to make their own families. Their loyalty becomes diverted towards someone else. Their priorities change. They make new lives for themselves and in those lives, you don't play the role you used to. You become replaced.

6 July 2012

6 July 2012. There's so much feeling there that I should be able to put into words but the truth is, I spent all my words explaining to him the bliss I have because of his existence. I wish I had more to say about it all. About that sensation that I'm building a new part of my life, only I'm building it with the help of someone else. About the moment he put a band around my finger and how I look at it every little while and smile like a teenager who is falling in love for the very first time. There's so much feeling there and even though all my efforts were spent on giving him explicit details about every thought that has been crossing my mind, there's always more inside of me when it comes to him.

On the 6th of July, 2012, I felt like I had truly said goodbye to a life I once knew. I felt like I was at peace. The feeling began to overwhelm me ever since I met him. Bit by bit I started to let go of pieces of my past. I began to forgive and forget. I said my farewells, one day at a time, to every ruined relationship, every heartache and every person I knew who made memories with me. Knowing him, I walked away from an ordinary life and entered into a world in which smiles are so frequent and laughter is so loud. I entered into a universe that knows no misery and no sadness except for when I am missing the sight of his face and the sound of his voice.

The 6th of July was really just like any day with only one difference. I said it out to the world. The look in my eyes spoke the love I had for him in front of an audience who stood there watching. And the best part is, they didn't even matter because every time I laid my eyes on him, he drowned out the crowd. Just like he did the first time I saw him. Every time I laid eyes on him, I was drawn to him and I'd remember the pull he had on me that day when I suddenly glanced at him and said "hello". He was only a stranger then. But today, that stranger is my best friend.