Word of Advice from a Fellow Follower

Life is a series of moments and before we notice, they pass us by. It is these tiny moments that build up to form other tiny moments that on the long run, forms a life..shapes who we are..creates our existence. Take it for granted and your moments will be worthless leading to a whole lifetime of trivialities. Stop following your life. Lead it. And make your moment worth the breath because there are only so many breaths we can take.

Nostalgia

When I was younger, my father took me to the beach every weekend. Ofcourse, I didn't know how to swim yet back then but like any other kid, I enjoyed playing in the sand..taking a few steps into the water and running back before it crossed my mind to do something as utterly insane as go any further. One day, I was lying at the shore when a white tiny creature with colorful polka dots landed on my tummy. I paniced! I smacked the tiny thing assuming it bit and jumped yelling to my dad for help. He came running to see that my outbreak was over a butterfly. Well, in my defense, I never knew butterflies could come in white and polka dots. All I knew were the beije ugly ones. Anyway, I still recall the incredible sensation of guilt when my dad told me what it was and that I had broken its wing. It limped on and I headed back home feeling like I have done the worst thing that could ever be done.

I wish I could go back to that time. A time when the worst thing I have ever done was accidentally break a flying creature's wing or throw that sandwitch my mom insisted on giving me everyday for lunch in school. When the things I knew in life didn't even cover the different colors of a butterfly...and when smacking one was the biggest disappointment I could ever cause my father.

I long for a time when such purity and innocence existed.

Once Upon A Blindfold

I looked at your face today
and came to realize that mask you wear
you know, I almost didn't see it there
one day you were an angel
the next i could see
that you were just someone misinterpreted by me

I looked at your eyes today
and saw the ugly truth
no kindness, no mercy, no ruth
one day they were sparkling
the next they were crass
your once lively eyes are cold hard glass!

I looked at you, my friend, today
and I could finally tell
I never really knew you all that well
one day you were a soulmate
the next you became a face
the kind you try to put a name to

but can't.

Bittersweet Chaos

I have struggled over the past few months to understand what makes people the way they are. I still do not comprehend the lengths that people go to to cause someone pain. I fail to grasp the sense behind imposing hurt upon someone you love and looking the other direction when their tears begin to fall. What I don't seem to quite understand at all, however, is why people tend to love more when they are loved less...and love less when they are loved more. People are like mosaic glass. A bunch of colorful pieces that are in different shapes, sizes and shades..yet they fit into making this masterpiece. A masterpiece in the form of a human being that you can never understand.

In His Shoes

She tattood his name on her forehead, lifted up her bangs with a clip and walked around staring everyone in the eye. She wore his shirt, his jeans, his cap, the red heart chain he gave her on valentines and the diamond ring he swore his love to her with. She sprayed his perfume and saw life through his eyes. That's when he looked at her and called her insane. That's when he told a girl who became everything he wanted her to be that she wasn't. That's when the girl who grew to love him the way he begged for ended up being the girl who needs to love him a little less.

A religion gone bad..Faith lost

I go back with my mind to a time when I was chased after..when I was begged over and over again to let my life revolve around you. You'd said I'd never regret making you the center of my universe but you were wrong.
I sit here getting flashbacks of all the times you told me no one would ever be there for me but you, no one would ever care nor understand nor break for me as much as you would. I believed.
Through time you have taught me that everyone in life is a variable except for you; you are a constant. That's what you said. You let me believe that people would come and go and so, you were the only person I could rely on. You taught me how to pour my heart and soul out to you. You fed me from a doctrine that lead me to never be comfortable except when speaking out my crisis for YOU. Little did I know that soon, you'd pick everybody else over me. You'd create a universe for yourself with axises that do not include me. Little did I know that you'd go against the religion you created.
Your teachings lacked. I don't know if it was a mistake or a strategy designed on purpose. All I know is that you taught me how to let my life be yours but never told me what to make it revolve around when you vanished. You taught me how to pour myself to you but not how to contain myself. See, you prepared me for everything that served you and made you feel special but you never prepared me for my fall-out when you suddenly go MIA.
For all of that, I resent you. I love you nevertheless but I truly resent you. I despise the day I let go of my defenses thinking I'd never need them again because you were my savior. I never thought you could lead me on to a territory filled with guns pointed at me, telling me that you have my back and then letting all these bullets penetrate me simply because you abruptly decided you have a different destination to reach at that particular moment.
I resent you for letting me put my guard down, telling me you'd keep me safe then be the one to attack me. I resent you for making me vulnerable and then watching me break.
But most of all, I got to say, I resent you for the humiliation. The god damn humiliation of begging you over and over and over AND GOD DAMN OVER again to break my fall and never getting a response!! I'd rather just lay on the ground, broken and unfound than continously asking someone for a lift up and being let down. I'd rather die here alone than watch you miss out on a chance to help.

Make-Believe

You stand in front of a mirror and you see a halo. You see a halo, wings and an array of light sillhouetting your body portraying you as the angel you believe you are. Little do you know that you are as flawed as the next human being. This attitude is not very uncommon. You were like that from the very beginning but back then, I believed you had the right to envision yourself the way you did. You were, truly, an image of perfection. Your criticisms to me made so much sense because I was just a wandering soul so tangled up in a spiderweb of insecurities and complexes caused by other guys.
It was easier to remain stuck in that web, you know. Because I always had you trying to extract me away from it, making me yours. A while later it became a burden on my chest. Seeing you so perfect made me strive for perfection myself, just in order to deserve someone so rare and unique like you. However, months passed and turned into years and I've become to realize that it was not about you putting yourself on a pedestal where you belonged. It was all about you continously seeing yourself flawless and putting yourself up there regardless of whether or not you earned it.
I am sorry, dear sir, to break it out to you. You are not perfect. As a matter of fact, as time passed and I have learned to become the person you wanted me to be (the person you claim is one that is totally different today from who I used to be a year ago) I came to realize that you are just like everybody else. There is no "one in a million". I have used that phrase to describe you so frequently over the past year and a half that I now beat myself up for believing in a fairytale because I should have known, after the age of 12, that they simply DO NOT EXIST.I have come to acknowledge the fact that you will, forever, find yourself above me even when you are not. You will continue to see me lacking so much when it is you who lacks plenty. I've grown to see that after I changed for you, become a different person (according to your testimonial) and still hear you call me "unfixable" and "unchangable".
Respected and beloved sir, do you not see that when I was changing to become the person you wanted me to be you became a person who took my presence for granted? It is true!! You who persistently told me that I would never regret making my life revolve around you now complain when I say I miss you. You, who swore a billion times that you weren't the kind of man that loses interest when he catches the prey, now find me too attached, too expectant, too demanding. And have I not the right to demand to see you more than once a week when I know that in a matter of days, the distance parting us will force us not to see eachother at all?!
I no longer know if I should resent you for getting me so attached to you then pushing me away or if I should hate myself for not sticking to my initial plan of "a little distance will do us both good". Worse even, I now abhor myself for continously talking to you about it only to find you responding by telling me I have issues I need to work out on my own. Ofcourse, a few hours later, you'd apologize and beg me to speak my mind and heart out to you; only when I do, you slap me on the face with the same phrase again. And the cycle continues. And I never give up on expecting the day that I pour out my guts and find you taking me in your arms without putting up defenses so high.
Dear sir, you are a liar and a fake. You said you weren't like all other men but you are. You said our life together would be better when I make my world revolve around only YOU and it made it hell. You said that when I change, you'd appreciate me more but you continue to stab me with words that make me feel like I am a person immune to all positive change. You said you wanted me to be entirely yours and the moment I became nothing but that, you want me to "work out on my issues".
          Where do I begin? Do I begin with ending all sorts of conversation with you because they always lead to a fight? Or shall I start at detaching myself from you? Or shall I simply become the horrible person I used to be so that you keep at your attempts to get me closer? Am I destined to a life of cat and mouse? Is that what love is? Do I have to keep running away to be chased? What if I don't want to run away from you but into your arms? What if I want you to be that unicorn I thought you were? What if all I wanted from life was YOU?!
That is not an option anymore though, is it? You see, I changed. I became a more quiet person because you were too jealous of any attention my loud self could attract. I changed my social circle to satisfy your protectiveness. I made you the ONLY priority because you hated that there were others on my list, even if below you. While I did that, you became confident I am yours. You became certain you have earned my love and so, you stopped exerting any effort to make me love you more. You knew I had nothing else in my world and so, you found it ordinary to put me on a shelf and pick me up whenever you wanted because you know I had nowhere else to go and no one else to be with but you.
And after all that, you call me hopeless. You say you give up on me changing because it is an impossibility. You made me the perfect girl and began tarnishing your image in my eyes with flaws, mistakes, carelessness and inconsideration. Yet, you STILL stand in front of that darn mirror and dare see yourself FLAWLESS!!! You stroke your ego endlessly on the expense of breaking my heart and begin bombarding me with attacks, accusations, claims and LIES, LIES, LIES!! Is it not enough that with all the mistakes you do, you continue believing that you are a saint? Is it really necessary to make it your mission to BRING ME DOWN in the process? To tell me that it is III who does not care about your future when I have continously encouraged you to follow your dream and fueled your faith when you lacked it?! To tell me that it is III who erased the traces of your old personality when it is YOU who made me become everything I always swore I would NEVER be?!! To tell me that you HATE the person I've made you become although it is III who was fixed, altered, edited, re-shaped to fit your damn satisfaction and LOVED IT because I thought it made you happy?!!!!
It is you who put us where we are today. Your lies are the reason we are standing on the debris of a broken-down relationship. You lead me on to believe that if I become a person who wanted nothing but YOU we would both be happy and then you tell me you are miserable! It is you who made me become this person - this person who always misses you, always comes to you seeking help, always expects you to be there and it is YOU who now say you are UNHAPPY.
I forgive you. But you shall too, for who I'm about to be. I am simply sick of changing so much then treated like I haven't at all. If I'm going to be called horrible either way, why bother being good? It will only break me when I find no gratitude! Forgive me for I am about to become the person you once hated. Atleast then when you criticize me I won't hate you for being unfair.