Surprises & Disappointments

Today, more than any other day, I wondered what on earth happened to friendship? How is it that the people I expected so little from, gave me so much...yet the people I expected the world from, gave me nothing?! The world is a funny place. You find friends at unexpected corners and people who you thought were friends...they stray along the way.

Words, come back.

Every time I had a doubt, a fear or a pain in my chest, I would put pen to paper and write. I would unleash my deepest emotions into a series of words. They may be abstract and they may be clear. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered that when I let my pen down, my mind was at ease. I could breathe a little easier. A lot easier. Words were my salvation. But what do I do when they don't come to my rescue? When I try and I try but the tools with which I once comforted myself had malfunctioned? Where do I go from there? How do I breathe easy now?

Ties Untied

No matter how hard we try to keep the ties tied, they never seem to remain that way. One day, strangers become friends and overnight, friends become strangers. The signs are always there but it takes such a gradual pace that although you see it coming, you never really believe you will get there. That person who you shared everything with...you never believe that one day, you will know nothing about until that day comes when you realize you are no longer on their mind and the sad thing is, they are no longer on yours. Nonetheless, I was one of those people who believed that distance doesn't necessarily break ties completely. Perhaps the connection between two people can grow weaker but in times of need, in times of despair and in times of true happiness, I believed that friends bond again. I believed that in those times, they remember each other again. I was wrong. When ties become untied, that is obviously the end of it.

That Happy Girl

In case you ever wondered, I just want you to know, I'm in a better place right now. I'm in a happier place. You'd never see me without my smile on and the best part is, it's always straight from my heart. I excelled at the most recent phase of my life and I'm expecting to do pretty well in the next one. I have a good life now. I rarely ponder upon my day-to-day existence and wish for anything more because I've got enough to fill me up for a hundred lifetimes to come. I'm in a good place. And I'm happy.

Friends, Family and Acquaintances

I heard that at some point, your friends become family. Their mistakes, no matter how huge, become forgivable because you have no other option but to forgive, forget, let go and hold on to what you've got. But even family grows apart. Even people with the same genes and blood grow away from eachother and become fonder of other people. Sisters meet boys and brothers meet girls and they move on to make their own families. Their loyalty becomes diverted towards someone else. Their priorities change. They make new lives for themselves and in those lives, you don't play the role you used to. You become replaced.

6 July 2012

6 July 2012. There's so much feeling there that I should be able to put into words but the truth is, I spent all my words explaining to him the bliss I have because of his existence. I wish I had more to say about it all. About that sensation that I'm building a new part of my life, only I'm building it with the help of someone else. About the moment he put a band around my finger and how I look at it every little while and smile like a teenager who is falling in love for the very first time. There's so much feeling there and even though all my efforts were spent on giving him explicit details about every thought that has been crossing my mind, there's always more inside of me when it comes to him.

On the 6th of July, 2012, I felt like I had truly said goodbye to a life I once knew. I felt like I was at peace. The feeling began to overwhelm me ever since I met him. Bit by bit I started to let go of pieces of my past. I began to forgive and forget. I said my farewells, one day at a time, to every ruined relationship, every heartache and every person I knew who made memories with me. Knowing him, I walked away from an ordinary life and entered into a world in which smiles are so frequent and laughter is so loud. I entered into a universe that knows no misery and no sadness except for when I am missing the sight of his face and the sound of his voice.

The 6th of July was really just like any day with only one difference. I said it out to the world. The look in my eyes spoke the love I had for him in front of an audience who stood there watching. And the best part is, they didn't even matter because every time I laid my eyes on him, he drowned out the crowd. Just like he did the first time I saw him. Every time I laid eyes on him, I was drawn to him and I'd remember the pull he had on me that day when I suddenly glanced at him and said "hello". He was only a stranger then. But today, that stranger is my best friend.

Growing Up (And What Comes Along With It)

When you've got only 2 weeks to say goodbye to a life you once knew, a feeling of loss can overwhelm you. The intensity and greatness of the matter can be too much to comprehend. It just doesn't seem to sink in. You start thinking again and again about the life you lead and the life you will be leading. What a great difference between the two! Things that seemed to make "big changes" seem so trivial now. Moving to a new school. Going to college. It was all just the same events in different forms. But this...This is moving out of the life you knew and into real life. It's scary. It's frightening. And the thought of whether or not you are going to make it as an adult can cripple you. It consumes me at night. Things I never thought of. Things I never had to worry about are now becoming my responsibility. Some people believe that it is easier for those who have a rock to lean on because they will never really have to worry about making a living. But sometimes..just sometimes..there are those people that find the rock even a bigger pressure because they fear that one day, they may have to let themselves down and go back to being dependent when they should be independent. Sometimes the rock is not a source of comfort but a concern. But then again, don't all these thoughts come with the package of growing up?