Leave me on a desserted island with nothing but a pen and a piece of paper; with those, I shall create myself another world.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


You stand in front of a mirror and you see a halo. You see a halo, wings and an array of light sillhouetting your body portraying you as the angel you believe you are. Little do you know that you are as flawed as the next human being. This attitude is not very uncommon. You were like that from the very beginning but back then, I believed you had the right to envision yourself the way you did. You were, truly, an image of perfection. Your criticisms to me made so much sense because I was just a wandering soul so tangled up in a spiderweb of insecurities and complexes caused by other guys.
It was easier to remain stuck in that web, you know. Because I always had you trying to extract me away from it, making me yours. A while later it became a burden on my chest. Seeing you so perfect made me strive for perfection myself, just in order to deserve someone so rare and unique like you. However, months passed and turned into years and I've become to realize that it was not about you putting yourself on a pedestal where you belonged. It was all about you continously seeing yourself flawless and putting yourself up there regardless of whether or not you earned it.
I am sorry, dear sir, to break it out to you. You are not perfect. As a matter of fact, as time passed and I have learned to become the person you wanted me to be (the person you claim is one that is totally different today from who I used to be a year ago) I came to realize that you are just like everybody else. There is no "one in a million". I have used that phrase to describe you so frequently over the past year and a half that I now beat myself up for believing in a fairytale because I should have known, after the age of 12, that they simply DO NOT EXIST.I have come to acknowledge the fact that you will, forever, find yourself above me even when you are not. You will continue to see me lacking so much when it is you who lacks plenty. I've grown to see that after I changed for you, become a different person (according to your testimonial) and still hear you call me "unfixable" and "unchangable".
Respected and beloved sir, do you not see that when I was changing to become the person you wanted me to be you became a person who took my presence for granted? It is true!! You who persistently told me that I would never regret making my life revolve around you now complain when I say I miss you. You, who swore a billion times that you weren't the kind of man that loses interest when he catches the prey, now find me too attached, too expectant, too demanding. And have I not the right to demand to see you more than once a week when I know that in a matter of days, the distance parting us will force us not to see eachother at all?!
I no longer know if I should resent you for getting me so attached to you then pushing me away or if I should hate myself for not sticking to my initial plan of "a little distance will do us both good". Worse even, I now abhor myself for continously talking to you about it only to find you responding by telling me I have issues I need to work out on my own. Ofcourse, a few hours later, you'd apologize and beg me to speak my mind and heart out to you; only when I do, you slap me on the face with the same phrase again. And the cycle continues. And I never give up on expecting the day that I pour out my guts and find you taking me in your arms without putting up defenses so high.
Dear sir, you are a liar and a fake. You said you weren't like all other men but you are. You said our life together would be better when I make my world revolve around only YOU and it made it hell. You said that when I change, you'd appreciate me more but you continue to stab me with words that make me feel like I am a person immune to all positive change. You said you wanted me to be entirely yours and the moment I became nothing but that, you want me to "work out on my issues".
          Where do I begin? Do I begin with ending all sorts of conversation with you because they always lead to a fight? Or shall I start at detaching myself from you? Or shall I simply become the horrible person I used to be so that you keep at your attempts to get me closer? Am I destined to a life of cat and mouse? Is that what love is? Do I have to keep running away to be chased? What if I don't want to run away from you but into your arms? What if I want you to be that unicorn I thought you were? What if all I wanted from life was YOU?!
That is not an option anymore though, is it? You see, I changed. I became a more quiet person because you were too jealous of any attention my loud self could attract. I changed my social circle to satisfy your protectiveness. I made you the ONLY priority because you hated that there were others on my list, even if below you. While I did that, you became confident I am yours. You became certain you have earned my love and so, you stopped exerting any effort to make me love you more. You knew I had nothing else in my world and so, you found it ordinary to put me on a shelf and pick me up whenever you wanted because you know I had nowhere else to go and no one else to be with but you.
And after all that, you call me hopeless. You say you give up on me changing because it is an impossibility. You made me the perfect girl and began tarnishing your image in my eyes with flaws, mistakes, carelessness and inconsideration. Yet, you STILL stand in front of that darn mirror and dare see yourself FLAWLESS!!! You stroke your ego endlessly on the expense of breaking my heart and begin bombarding me with attacks, accusations, claims and LIES, LIES, LIES!! Is it not enough that with all the mistakes you do, you continue believing that you are a saint? Is it really necessary to make it your mission to BRING ME DOWN in the process? To tell me that it is III who does not care about your future when I have continously encouraged you to follow your dream and fueled your faith when you lacked it?! To tell me that it is III who erased the traces of your old personality when it is YOU who made me become everything I always swore I would NEVER be?!! To tell me that you HATE the person I've made you become although it is III who was fixed, altered, edited, re-shaped to fit your damn satisfaction and LOVED IT because I thought it made you happy?!!!!
It is you who put us where we are today. Your lies are the reason we are standing on the debris of a broken-down relationship. You lead me on to believe that if I become a person who wanted nothing but YOU we would both be happy and then you tell me you are miserable! It is you who made me become this person - this person who always misses you, always comes to you seeking help, always expects you to be there and it is YOU who now say you are UNHAPPY.
I forgive you. But you shall too, for who I'm about to be. I am simply sick of changing so much then treated like I haven't at all. If I'm going to be called horrible either way, why bother being good? It will only break me when I find no gratitude! Forgive me for I am about to become the person you once hated. Atleast then when you criticize me I won't hate you for being unfair.