Leave me on a desserted island with nothing but a pen and a piece of paper; with those, I shall create myself another world.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A religion gone bad..Faith lost

I go back with my mind to a time when I was chased after..when I was begged over and over again to let my life revolve around you. You'd said I'd never regret making you the center of my universe but you were wrong.
I sit here getting flashbacks of all the times you told me no one would ever be there for me but you, no one would ever care nor understand nor break for me as much as you would. I believed.
Through time you have taught me that everyone in life is a variable except for you; you are a constant. That's what you said. You let me believe that people would come and go and so, you were the only person I could rely on. You taught me how to pour my heart and soul out to you. You fed me from a doctrine that lead me to never be comfortable except when speaking out my crisis for YOU. Little did I know that soon, you'd pick everybody else over me. You'd create a universe for yourself with axises that do not include me. Little did I know that you'd go against the religion you created.
Your teachings lacked. I don't know if it was a mistake or a strategy designed on purpose. All I know is that you taught me how to let my life be yours but never told me what to make it revolve around when you vanished. You taught me how to pour myself to you but not how to contain myself. See, you prepared me for everything that served you and made you feel special but you never prepared me for my fall-out when you suddenly go MIA.
For all of that, I resent you. I love you nevertheless but I truly resent you. I despise the day I let go of my defenses thinking I'd never need them again because you were my savior. I never thought you could lead me on to a territory filled with guns pointed at me, telling me that you have my back and then letting all these bullets penetrate me simply because you abruptly decided you have a different destination to reach at that particular moment.
I resent you for letting me put my guard down, telling me you'd keep me safe then be the one to attack me. I resent you for making me vulnerable and then watching me break.
But most of all, I got to say, I resent you for the humiliation. The god damn humiliation of begging you over and over and over AND GOD DAMN OVER again to break my fall and never getting a response!! I'd rather just lay on the ground, broken and unfound than continously asking someone for a lift up and being let down. I'd rather die here alone than watch you miss out on a chance to help.