Intolerable Guilt

Sometimes, I hate the fact that your life revolves around you. Because then I have to watch your entire universe spin into the freeway when I'm not around, without any direction or purpose. Because then I have to watch you be all alone and feel all alone. Because then, I hate myself for being the reason behind the misery of the one person I would kill to see happy. Feel good. Be alright. I can't afford having you otherwise. It's intolerable.

An Insomniac

It was hard to see such a beautiful soul grow so sick and tired all the time. It was difficult seeing that broken look on her face, glimpsing that tear in her eye that shimmers out of pity for herself. It was difficult to imagine she was once so young, so full of youth, health and well-being. That must have been what she was thinking too. Everytime her face flushed red and her facial expressions transformed to sorrow, she must have thought of what she used to be. How does a person go through that? How does a person go from being a child to a youth to an adult to someone who is aging? How do they have the strength to witness themselves grow weaker and weaker? I wondered. It hurt me. It scared me. But I was certain her fears and pains were far far more aching than mine. Because they always kept her up at night. Every night.

Failed Confrontation

There stood my memories,
Meters away from me.
They stared at me.
They glared at me.
They wondered why I stopped visiting..
Why I wasn't reliving them.

Memories laughed.
Memories cried.
Memories were curious
But they got no answers..
For I didn't have them.
I never had them.
But my heart did.
It always did.

Bitter Parting Of The Hearts

I fake a smile so you don't see
What your parting does to me
I fake a laugh so you can't tell
That my life without you is a living hell
But after all my strength is drained
And all my persistence has turned to pain
I must say,
I will miss you.

Remember,
I'm leaving my heart with you.
I'm leaving my soul with you.
I'm leaving my good times with you.
I'm leaving my laughter with you.

And I will return.
I will return to have them all..
Just as soon as I have you.

A Heart Breaking Loudly

I saw her change into a person that wears her heartbreak for everyone to see. I watched her as her smile faded, day by day, until it no longer appeared. I sensed her grow old on the inside, losing confidence in all the beautiful things that make her. I felt resentment. I felt resentment for every jackass who put her in that place.

Beyond Comprehension

One day, you will understand what your tear does to me.
One day, you will understand that it tears me up on the inside and leaves me exposed, like an open wound.
One day, you will understand that I can bear the world crumbling down..but I cannot bear that look of helplessness in your eyes.
One day, you will understand that when your laugh is loud and your cry is silenced on the inside, a dagger goes through my heart because I can always tell when you're faking.
One day, you will understand that each tear I cried, I cried in fear of you feeling pain.
One day, you will understand that I love you to an extent in which my heartache doesn't matter to me while your mere frown can shake my entire universe.
One day, you will understand.
I only hope you will come close to understanding.

Let's Pretend We're Alright

As the days passed, I hoped for magic powers..or only one power. A power which can make time stand still...or pass really quickly, sparing me the torture of being away from you. I held a straight face in front of you. I relied on pretenses to persuade you that I was alright..that I was not shaken by it. But the truth is, I was terrified. Every time I have to be away from you, it scares me to death. It's all the little things that I think of. It's all the little things that I'm going to miss. Like how will a day pass without me looking in your eyes? What will I do when I'm in a bad mood and I don't have your embrace to calm me down? It frightens me that in those few days in which we will be oceans away from one another, you would need me and not find me right next to you. So, I keep praying. I pray that you would be distracted by all the things that never distract you from me. Just for these few short days, I pray that you would be so busy and so happy with people other than me that I don't have to deal with your heartaching phone call that describes how much you miss me. You see, I can handle my pain. I can handle my longing to see you. But what I cannot handle is your frown. I cannot handle a temporary lack of happiness in your life. And more than anything in the world, I cannot handle the idea of not being beside you when all you want is only that.

P.S I will miss you more than you could ever imagine. But this, too, shall pass. So, let's just pretend we're alright until it does. Let's believe it won't kill us.

Surprises & Disappointments

Today, more than any other day, I wondered what on earth happened to friendship? How is it that the people I expected so little from, gave me so much...yet the people I expected the world from, gave me nothing?! The world is a funny place. You find friends at unexpected corners and people who you thought were friends...they stray along the way.

Words, come back.

Every time I had a doubt, a fear or a pain in my chest, I would put pen to paper and write. I would unleash my deepest emotions into a series of words. They may be abstract and they may be clear. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered that when I let my pen down, my mind was at ease. I could breathe a little easier. A lot easier. Words were my salvation. But what do I do when they don't come to my rescue? When I try and I try but the tools with which I once comforted myself had malfunctioned? Where do I go from there? How do I breathe easy now?

Ties Untied

No matter how hard we try to keep the ties tied, they never seem to remain that way. One day, strangers become friends and overnight, friends become strangers. The signs are always there but it takes such a gradual pace that although you see it coming, you never really believe you will get there. That person who you shared everything with...you never believe that one day, you will know nothing about until that day comes when you realize you are no longer on their mind and the sad thing is, they are no longer on yours. Nonetheless, I was one of those people who believed that distance doesn't necessarily break ties completely. Perhaps the connection between two people can grow weaker but in times of need, in times of despair and in times of true happiness, I believed that friends bond again. I believed that in those times, they remember each other again. I was wrong. When ties become untied, that is obviously the end of it.

That Happy Girl

In case you ever wondered, I just want you to know, I'm in a better place right now. I'm in a happier place. You'd never see me without my smile on and the best part is, it's always straight from my heart. I excelled at the most recent phase of my life and I'm expecting to do pretty well in the next one. I have a good life now. I rarely ponder upon my day-to-day existence and wish for anything more because I've got enough to fill me up for a hundred lifetimes to come. I'm in a good place. And I'm happy.

Friends, Family and Acquaintances

I heard that at some point, your friends become family. Their mistakes, no matter how huge, become forgivable because you have no other option but to forgive, forget, let go and hold on to what you've got. But even family grows apart. Even people with the same genes and blood grow away from eachother and become fonder of other people. Sisters meet boys and brothers meet girls and they move on to make their own families. Their loyalty becomes diverted towards someone else. Their priorities change. They make new lives for themselves and in those lives, you don't play the role you used to. You become replaced.

6 July 2012

6 July 2012. There's so much feeling there that I should be able to put into words but the truth is, I spent all my words explaining to him the bliss I have because of his existence. I wish I had more to say about it all. About that sensation that I'm building a new part of my life, only I'm building it with the help of someone else. About the moment he put a band around my finger and how I look at it every little while and smile like a teenager who is falling in love for the very first time. There's so much feeling there and even though all my efforts were spent on giving him explicit details about every thought that has been crossing my mind, there's always more inside of me when it comes to him.

On the 6th of July, 2012, I felt like I had truly said goodbye to a life I once knew. I felt like I was at peace. The feeling began to overwhelm me ever since I met him. Bit by bit I started to let go of pieces of my past. I began to forgive and forget. I said my farewells, one day at a time, to every ruined relationship, every heartache and every person I knew who made memories with me. Knowing him, I walked away from an ordinary life and entered into a world in which smiles are so frequent and laughter is so loud. I entered into a universe that knows no misery and no sadness except for when I am missing the sight of his face and the sound of his voice.

The 6th of July was really just like any day with only one difference. I said it out to the world. The look in my eyes spoke the love I had for him in front of an audience who stood there watching. And the best part is, they didn't even matter because every time I laid my eyes on him, he drowned out the crowd. Just like he did the first time I saw him. Every time I laid eyes on him, I was drawn to him and I'd remember the pull he had on me that day when I suddenly glanced at him and said "hello". He was only a stranger then. But today, that stranger is my best friend.

Growing Up (And What Comes Along With It)

When you've got only 2 weeks to say goodbye to a life you once knew, a feeling of loss can overwhelm you. The intensity and greatness of the matter can be too much to comprehend. It just doesn't seem to sink in. You start thinking again and again about the life you lead and the life you will be leading. What a great difference between the two! Things that seemed to make "big changes" seem so trivial now. Moving to a new school. Going to college. It was all just the same events in different forms. But this...This is moving out of the life you knew and into real life. It's scary. It's frightening. And the thought of whether or not you are going to make it as an adult can cripple you. It consumes me at night. Things I never thought of. Things I never had to worry about are now becoming my responsibility. Some people believe that it is easier for those who have a rock to lean on because they will never really have to worry about making a living. But sometimes..just sometimes..there are those people that find the rock even a bigger pressure because they fear that one day, they may have to let themselves down and go back to being dependent when they should be independent. Sometimes the rock is not a source of comfort but a concern. But then again, don't all these thoughts come with the package of growing up?

Denial

I'm taking a minute
To smell the fresh air
To gaze at the sky
To skip on by
With a smile on my face
I walk around
I jump around
I dance around
With a laugh that rings
And a face that shines
And when my heart races
When these knots in my stomach form
When concerns begin to surface
I look past them
I ignore them
I pretend they don't exist
Because I don't want to think
Of what will happen if I don't

Dear beloved,

I look back at my old life...the life that didn't used to include you in it and I wonder...how on earth did I ever get by? How did I survive life without the one person who makes it worth living? I look back and I see a hell of a difference. I see laughter in my world, the kind that hurts your face and gives you an abrupt severe headache. I see nights in which I go to bed with nothing but a smile because it is a policy of yours to never leave me upset for more than 10 minutes. I hear phonecalls that even until now, go on for hours. I also hear our bestfriends swearing that we would be sick of eachother after the first couple of months of us spending all our time together and I thank God that until this very day, we continue proving them wrong. So I just wanted to take this time out to tell you how much I appreciate every thing you have done for me, every single time you have been there for me, every tear you dried, every stress I had that you managed to calm down and every concern that I had which you always made go away. I need you to know that for all of that and so much more, I will forever be grateful. I will always look at you and think "Damn, I got lucky" because despite all of the bad luck, the bad guys and the bad relationships, you came along and made that all ancient history. You came along and proved that like I believed, not the entire male species is messed up. You came along and made me a happier, more confident and better version of me. So, thank you. Thank you for always accepting me as I am. Thank you for being my constant source of support. And more than anything, thank you for still looking at me the way you did when we first met...for loving me with the same passion and missing me with the same insanity. And finally, thank you for stepping in to my life when you did. You really were sent to save me.

Love always,
Your girl.

Questions & Silent Answers

You ask a hundred questions
That I can't help but laugh at.
You wonder why I love you..
What can I say to that?
You think I'm mocking you
When I laugh the way I do
But the truth is...
No words could explain
And no pictures can contain
The wonders of you!
You ask if I may stray
If one day, I can leave.
I laugh and inside, I die
Because until this day
You don't understand
The love a man like you deserves
And that you are a blessing I count every day.
I laugh because you still cannot see
What you have done to me.
You don't know I'm hooked on you
And that I linger on every single thing you do.
You don't see me sheepishly smile at you
When you're not even looking.
You ask if I can be for another
And I don't bother answering that
Because what kind of person
What kind of IMBECILE
Would leave heaven for earth?!

The Truth Lies In The Eyes of the Beholder

I had already said my goodbyes
You didn't know it would be my very last
But as I looked back at you while I walked away
My heart was beating too fast

Deep inside me I knew that this would be
The last time I lay eyes on you
There were all those little signs I could see
That didn't seem to get to you

It was something in your smile
It was no longer real
It was something in your touch
That I could no longer actually feel
And the sound of your voice..
It was solid like steel

And I knew..
Right then I knew..
All those little things that didn't seem to get to you

Picture Not So Perfect

It was time to turn the page on you
It was time to close the scrap book we've made
And give it to everyone to analyze
Even then I pinned a nice last picture of you
One that painted you perfect
One in which your eyes glistened with love as you looked at me.
I couldn't dare to tell the truth.
No picture would ever do the cruelty justice.
No photo would ever depict the misery you inflicted.
No sketch and no drawing would ever be able to highlight the indifference.
The coldness.
The resentment that had rose in you
And the vengence you had out for me, as if I were your enemy.
And even if there was,
I loved you too much to show them.
I loved you too much to tarnish the image they had of you.
It was one of purity, passion, care and better come-backs.
I once had that picture embedded within my mind as well.
Within my mind, heart, soul and being.
But you drove a hammer and a dagger and a billion knives into it
Until there was nothing left of it but pieces!!
Pieces that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't paste back together.
But they didn't see you that way.
They didn't see what I have been seeing
They saw what I used to see...a long long time ago.
It was a beautiful memory that didn't seem fair to ruin.
So I let them have it.
I re-inforced it with that nice last picture of you,
Making them believe I was irrational
And you were a victim...
Carrying in my heart a hundred truths
About a hundred forms of pain
And a hundred shapes of cruelty
And a hundred broken promises
About a single person.
A single person who I painted perfect because no matter how hard I tried,
No painting would ever do his horrors justice.

Fake Pep Talks

There will be alot of hear-say
and the worst will be said
It will all be to you
They'll try to fill up your head
They'll say I never loved you
They'll say I never cared
and believe them, if you dare
but remember first..

Remember the look in my eye
The first time we finally met
Remember the phonecalls that ran late at night
We weren't together yet
Remember when we sang in the car
Remember when we danced for the first time
Remember me, remember you and how it used to be
"For eternity", we'd say
And I thought we were strong enough
Later it became clear
I was fighting our battles alone
I came undone
As you watched me
As you hurt me
As you killed me

They'll say I never loved you
That I was over it too fast
Believe them, if you dare
but remember this last

You held me under the water
and told me to breathe
You pinned me down with just one arm
and you wouldn't release me

I used to love you once
But yes, I no longer do
You drew out of me
Every single feeling I ever had for you

You put off the fire of my passion
You turned off the light in my eyes
You made me pray day and night
To have what it takes
To have the power I need
To finally hear your voice
And not remember a thing.
To see your face
and not remember a thing.
To picture your pain...
And not feel..a thing.

Remember that.
Because I am done remembering you.
And when they convince you it was me,
Remember...it was you,

Self-doubt

That call made me wonder if I can be that kind of person. I thought again and again about whether I could make it. I suppose for a person who appears to be so confident, it comes as a surprise to see the lack of belief I have in my self, at times. It's just awkward to go there...to be in places I've never been, playing a role I never had. They say real life is so different. That is usually why I think my perfect little bubble wouldn't last out there. That I wouldn't last out there.

Gratitude

I hear the sound of your voice
And something inside me stands still
Somewhere inside, I feel peace
I feel serenity
As your melody surrounds me.
We act out
We laugh out
We sing out loud
And I can't help my beating heart
I can't help that part of me
That thanks God it has you.
We play
We compete
We argue
But I feel complete with you
Like you're the part I've been missing my whole life.
I want you.
I need you.
I love you more than I can tell.
It's a hell for me at times
To feel the slightest bit of change
To see that smile be rearranged.
I fear a repetitive path
I worry that I'd take you down that road..
The one I've taken a lot of people to.
But then again,
I hear you
I see you
And if you're so different in person
How can I worry about a similar fate?!

I'm All Over The Place

Thoughts collide inside my mind. They bombard, making my head spin. I couldn't tell if it was doubts or fears inside there. All I knew is that everything I ever went through was coming back to me. Was it really happening all over again or is this some kind of trick to test my inner-self?! I did not know. I do not know. But I really need to.

My Life: The Skipping Record

Memories, stirred inside
Where darkness resides
Silent, awaiting vulnerability
To reenact horrific acts
To remind me of days gone
Of another one
Words, pictures, scenarios
It plays again in my mind
It unwinds me
It defines me
It grinds me down
I sit around
Turn the other cheek
Wait another week
Until you return to you
To the love so true
Doubts lurking in my mind
Wondering if this is all a part
Of the same God damn charade.

The Small Picture(s)

I drowned the world surrounding me with melody in my ears.
I challenged myself, time and time again.
I walked around with only one person on my mind.
I said it the way I thought it.
I loved the way I wanted to be loved.
I kept away from the crowds. They made me nervous.
I exceled under the highest of pressures.
I smiled to convince myself it'd be a good day.
I gave more than I took.
I learned to be patient with the people I love.
I did not believe in regrets. My mistakes are a part of who I am.
I lost all my inner peace when facing stupid questions.
I trusted only myself when it came to the quality of work.
I stopped bothering to do what was never appreciated.
I thought too much about things I'm not supposed to question.
I made mistakes knowing how huge they were.
I knew my faults but rarely felt like changing them.
I hated it when someone would steer me into a different direction.
I took my best friends for granted, knowing their friendship would be a 'constant'.

I lived. I learned. I loved. I lost. I changed.
And it finally dawned upon me that life is bits and pieces, moments, situations, reactions...stories you create; a book that you continue to write with the small parts of you. It is those small parts that make a human being. It is those parts that shape your story.

The End of Life as I Know It

There was a lot I wish I could have done
A lot of pain to have undone
A loss I wish I haven't lost
A darkness now replaced my sun

I saw him leave in front of me
I felt his presence be free
Fleeting, it filled the air
Then left the room with dignity

Today, there was no longer him and I
Only screams..moans..sighs
Life is short. Life is gone.
Today, I watched him die.

I Love You

We take life for granted. We take the people who we love for granted. We go on about our lives doing the same things, having the same conversations and arguing over the silliest of things. We never stop to wonder what would happen if we lost that special someone.

Today, I stopped. I thought. I imagined a life in which you are gone. I trembled just at the idea and my eyes watered at the image of going around places without you by my side. Who would I call every morning? Whose laugh would I look forward to? Which arms are going to hold me when I can no longer hold my tears?

But those are just the things that naturally come to mind. Then I began to notice how every little thing of my day has got to do with you. You drive me everywhere. You are the one I call when there's this task I can't get done. You are the person who reminds me of my to-do list and practically do every item in it for me.

I pray to God I would never see a day without you. I pray to God I'd never live a life in which you are not present it. Not just because I would be lost. Not only because I would be helpless and unable to do anything and everything. I pray to God I would never lose you because the love I have for you in my heart does not allow me to live in a world where I can't see your face. I cannot bear to witness a day in which I don't see you jumping with excitement when you are happy. I can't begin to imagine a day, a single moment...in which I do not know that you are out there - keeping me safe, keeping me happy and keeping me alive.

And so, if I have ever taken you for granted, I apologize. I want you to know that I feel grateful for every minute I have you. And that every day I wake up, I know how incredibly fortunate I am to have you in my life. You ARE my life. I love you.

Destitute of Vision

I know you think that I've said too much
I know you think that I've gone too far this time
Call me out of line
But this isn't what it is
Say I've lost my mind
But there's more to it than this
Show me that I'm wrong
But hear me out first
Maybe you know nothing afterall

I've been set up to fail
I've been beat up hard
I've been framed to do the part
A part I haven't done
A sin I didn't commit
A betrayal I didn't participate in

Take a breath
Take it in
Pull her out of your skin
Then think again

I know you'll think I'm saying too much
I know you'll think I'm going way too far this time
You'll think am out of line
And That I have lost my mind

But this isn't what it is.

Hello, life

There's this point in your life where you are about to step into a whole new world. That is the point when life, as you know it, is about to change. It will not be the same again. The feeling of walking towards an unknown and an unpredictable future could be terrifying. Questions begin to surface about how strong you are; how qualified, how experienced and whether or not you're even good enough to make it out there. I suppose the questions will remain unanswered but until then, I comfort myself with one thought - If others did it, why the hell can't I rule it?

Some of the Strangest Things in Life

- One moment can define your state of mind. Just one moment could make you live in a heaven or a hell (temporarily, ofcourse).

- Friends become strangers in the blink of an eye. Bestfriends you used to spend every minute with become people whose updates you know through facebook.

- It's always the closest people to you that you take for granted. You always seek the company of strangers who are not as worthy as the closest friends who you continue to ignore.

- Girls will always be those creatures that one day, curse their boyfriend in front of everyone and talk about what a douche he is but the next day, he is the best guy in the whole wide world (ofcourse that's after he makes up for his mistake in the most non-apologetic way)

- There are people who can't sleep without noises from their busy street. The silence would actually awaken them.

- Guys. They will always refer to themselves as "simple". As if the entire women population all around the world are just too mentally retarded to get their simplicity.

- When a horrible tragedy happens to someone you know. It will affect you and you might even change your lifestyle because you've re-thought your ways. But a few days (or perhaps, weeks) later, you're back to who you were in the first place.

- Girls are never satisfied. If they're dating an asshole, they'll complain. If they're dating the perfect guy, they'll get bored.

- People always say "you never know what you've got until you lose it". And even know they are well aware of the saying, they still always have to lose their loved one then repeat the God damn quote.

- Shrinks are always insane.

- Professors were young once, right? They had someone nagging and making their life a living hell. And they definetly wished for someone nicer, someone who is more human. Why is it, then, that they give us the same crap they always hated getting?! Is it some kind of psychological complex?

- People can smile at someone a minute then curse the living hell out of them the second someone walks away. And the scariest thing is, the smile would be so unbelievably genuine that it gets you wondering, what on earth will be said about you once you walk away?!


Ofcourse, the list of strange things could go on and on...but that's all that irritates me at the moment. 

Always and Forever

I look at you and see a future. I see challenges that we overcome together. I spot difficulties in the way but I have no fears. How can I when I know you will be by my side?
My love, life does not always give us what we want. But it gave me you. So how can I ever be ungrateful? How can I ever damn my luck for not having more when I already have the world?
Let me tell you this, when my heart flusters with concern and those irritating knots begin to form in my stomach, it is not because I fear the future and what it brings. It is because I become terrified at the thought of you, one day, not smiling. My heart aches at the mere idea of you becoming concerned and consumed by the unknown. Perhaps this will ease your racing heart and calm your raging mind - I will always love you. I will never leave you. In the worst of consequences and when opposing the most stubborn obstacles, my hand will always be holding yours. Because I believe that together, we can walk through the rain, brave the most disastrous storm and appear on the other side of the war zone, unharmed and with love untarnished.

Yours Forever

Fleeting Discomfort

I walked those streets feeling a heaviness in my chest. Knowing you were nearby was difficult. It was disturbing. I didn't want to risk running into you and I didn't know what would happen if I did. I went about my way looking behind my shoulder, glancing right and left every few seconds. Then I left. I went home. And finally, the peace within me was back again.

Deja Vu

I fear walking down the same path again.
I worry about meeting the same fate.
It concerns me, consumes me..the fact that I would walk into a place and suddenly find myself saying "Hey, I've been here before."
The doubts never fade but with faith, the thought stumbles backward until it cripples in a corner of my mind. Waiting. Waiting for me to be weak again in order to resurface.

An Outfit That Doesn't Fit

I've told you a million times
I see it in your eyes
Those despicable lies
That you just can't deny

I've said it again and again
You've got to make amends
I won't be here till the end
You've got to stop
You've got to stop

So why don't we go over this again
Aim for the truth this time
It will do you good
Open up, you should

I've told you a million times
I see it in your eyes
Spare me the swears and the sighs
It's too much to deny

Hear me out now
This is your last shot
This one chance i'm giving you
Is the only last thing you've got
Quit the act, you don't wear it well
It's time for leave or tell.

Dear World

I look upon you
And see a frown
One that puts me down
For my sun does not rise
Except in your eyes
I look upon you
And wait for that smile
The one I'd walk miles for
I look at you
And keep waiting
Until it appears
Distinguishing every misery
Every drop of anger
Every single fear
Reassuring me
That you will forever
Be my world

A Transparent Mask

Where you have laid stones
I know there is a heart
Where you have locked up
I know I have a part
Where you pretend, where you lie
There is I

What you have mocked
I know is not real
What you have patronized
I know you actually feel
Where you pretend, where you lie
There is I

When you think again,
Think another time
What you gave away
Is no longer yours or mine
Find another
I have already said Goodbye

My Role...My Definition

Okay, so I'm not sure where this is going but a friend just said the funniest thing ever to me until I came to notice it was actually so true. She said she always feels like I am the phrase "al saket 3an el 7aq shaytan a5ras"...she continued by saying "3omrek ma bteb2i el sheetan".
That was all said with a laugh. And it was after I shared with her the story of how I reduced a person to tears giving them a reality check they needed. And no, I'm really NOT mean. I just do not believe in going along with people's bullshit when I think that...well...it's bullshit. I believe that support does not lie in patting a person on the back even when you know that what they're doing is absolutely WRONG! Especially when they know it's wrong and you know that they know it but are in denial! I do not believe that a friend must sit there, observe you turning your life, single-handedly into a living hell yet smile in the name of "support".
So here is my public declaration. If you are somebody I care about, I will never stay silent watching you wrong yourself. I will never believe in this naive misconception of what constitutes being supportive. I will tell you what I honestly think once and twice and if you really are determined to take the wrong path anyway, I will stay silent but never show any indication of approval (nor disapproval). I will continue to ignore your attempts of reeling me into applauding your wrong-doings. I will shut up and not give you advise, if you are not interested. But i REFUSE to be the kind of friend who, when everything falls apart, you turn to and blame for not guiding you when you needed guiding...for keeping the truth from you when you, subconsciously, know that you needed to hear it...for being that person who treats you with hypocrisy at the time you needed her to be frank the most. I refuse to be that kind of friend. I never was and never will be.

Journals of a Foreign Egyptian

This is one that I have written about a couple of years ago. I only posted it because I realized how ironic it is, in comparison to my last post. I suppose the transformation from 100% pessimist to umm..a billion % optimist is too obvious to require pointing out. 


Journals of a foreign Egyptian
Profile:
Born in Saudi (1991)
Lived in Saudi (until 2008)
Lived in Egypt (from 2008 up to current date)
So...am I an Egyptian who felt foreign in a foreign country or in her very own?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never really liked our summer vacations to Egypt. They were boring, I knew no one and I ended up obligated to either hang out with my sisters and their friends, or at home. However, I still couldn't stay in Saudi Arabia for college. My last two years alone with my folks at home were the typical teenage years in which being in peace with Dad and Mom was actually a highlight of the week. But I loved Saudi. I loved it with all my heart.

When you live in a place like Saudi, it never occurs to you as you grow up that those priceless friends you make are only temporary. You enjoy the freedom (and yes, I did say freedom because Saudi is not the hell-hole everyone believes it to be), you enjoy the non-judgemental mentality, the fresh outlook on life. It never occurs to you that one day, very soon, you will have to leave and make new friends - in a place where friendship is defined in different terms.

This place is what I should call home. What I have to call home. Because no matter how much I loved the kingdom, I yearned for the day I would return to Egypt. Yet, the moment I arrived I could not tell where exactly it was I did not belong. My birth in an alien country never deferred the fact that I was a foreigner there. But my Egyptian passport didn't make me feel like I fit here either. I do not believe that the problem lies within my dissatisfaction because I would like to point out that I am not an unhappy person. I'm just a person who can't find home.

I stepped foot on this land optimistic with just the fact that this time my friends could be permanent. Could be lasting. Nevertheless, I was wrong once again. The friendships lasted shorter than I could imagined and for the strangest of reasons. Within the premises of my university, people were divided into groups of different sizes. Some were made up of 3 members and other of more. Some swore in the name of friendship and loyalty that they secretly stabbed every second within the day.

Others defined relationships in terms of what serves them and what doesn't. And then there were the friends who you practically lived with only to find out that they are only friends of company - friends that remained friends as long as you are continuously in their company. If, God Forbid, you are not in the mood of going out for a while, they simply seem to forget who you are.

And after seventeen years of friendship that were simply lost by departure from a country and two years of friendships that failed epicly one after the other for the most hilariously trivial of reasons, I came to the conclusion that when you live in a place like planet earth, it never occurs to you as you grow up that the friendships you make, like everything else that lives, simply die. Call me a pessimist but at one point or another, everything in life does. But that's alright. It doesn't hurt when you remember the good friends you had and the way life drifted you apart. Because you still recall them with a sincere smile on your face. It's the
other kind that hurts. The kind of friendships that ended due to betrayals, immaturity, replacement, ulterior motives, hypocrisy, abandonment and the worst of all...the friends that just never actually loved you back.

The Game

Let me start by warning you all that this post will not be one that is very fun to read. It is not positive nor inspiring. As a matter of fact, vibes of depression and frustration are emanating from it as I type each word. You should start feeling it in about a few lines.
So, I'm a few months away from graduating and suddenly I realize that my life is already changed. My friendships with those I have seen on campus every single day is growing apart while others completely ended. Life is just funny this way. Not. You know that game with all the chips building up a certain shape and you start playing by removing chip by chip without the whole structure crumbling down? Well, I feel like I am at that point in my life. I hadn't even noticed it that much until I started contemplating. Until I began remembering what life was for me a year ago, for instance. One by one, relationships I have made had ended. Friendships I poured alot of heart and soul into just grew apart until they became a phonecall a month (at best). It's a pity, isn't it? How at some point your life revolves around a certain people and then life happens and you find yourself living, without them. The sad thing is, you never really acknowledge it. It all happens gradually until one day, you think back and find that there's someone missing. Only he/she has been missing too long now for you to do anything about it.
However, I just had another epiphany. You know how in that game there are certain pieces you could remove WITHOUT tearing down the whole God damn thing? Well, I suppose if those people had been so important in my life, their absence would have made a huge gap that would have made me feel like my life couldn't survive without them. Only, here's the trick. In life, it is very rare that you find those kind of people. Relationships end in break-ups, marriages occasionally lead to divorces, friendships wither away when taken for granted and well, people die. Life, however, continues. You continue living. You make other friendships and other relationships and hope to God that he will not take away those pieces in your life that are too important to continue living without. Oh well, how about that? I guess there was an inspired part afterall. I'm sorry, I can't help the optimism. It has become a curse to me ever since I got it.

P.S If anyone remembers the name of that game, please share it. It really bothers me that I have to keep referring to it as "the game".

The Unusual Birth of Friendships

This is dedicated to a stranger who I decided is a friend over night. Here's to you, a person who I know that without speaking, will understand things that I have tried so hard to explain to everybody else but always failed. Here's to us, for the strength and courage it took to change our worlds around. I suppose the best statement that would apply to us is: Good riddance.

Have you ever read something and felt "I could swear this was written by me" only you know for sure it wasn't?! Do you know how close it could make you feel to that writer; knowing that these words were ones poured out of their heart, telling YOUR story? There's always something about that realization that somebody shared your suffering. Not joy, certainly; afterall, no sane or decent person would wish heartache upon anybody else. But there's this comforting feeling that you were not alone. That some other stranger out there was feeling all the things you felt at - possibly - the exact same moments. It makes you come to realize that no, you were not a freak of nature doing the abnormal. You were not the only one giving in to the desires of an unworthy person. You were not the only one questioning your sacrifices yet returning to make them over and over again. And you were not the only one who cried at night, wondering why you were inflicting so much pain upon yourself...but always assumed the alternative would be just as painful and perhaps even harder. I read your writings and saw me. I saw pain, vulnerability and a person who picked herself up off the ground and decided to choose the life she knew she wanted even when her mind and heart tricked her into the false sensation of wanting something else...someone else. I read your writings and found a friend who could relate; a person who I know that they now understand me even though we hardly ever talked. And I realized that I was not stupid. I was just human.

The Hovering

Television. I always perceived it as a method of entertainment. I always switched when the news came up. I never wanted to concern myself with wars. I preferred avoidance. I always chose not to see Palestenian lands look like the warzone it actually is. I chose the movies, the shows and all the programs that did not speak of injuries and death. Those were my choices until the 25th of January, 2011. I don't know why I began writing about this today even though the beginning of the revolution has long gone. Perhaps because a year has passed and our so-called glorious revolution has not yet ended. Who am I kidding? That's not it. I am writing today because even though words have sold me out for the past year when it came to the death toll in Egypt, they have decided to revisit me in order to unburden the rage inside my chest. Words have come back, today, after I have seen pictures of a barely-teenage-boy who was murdered in a football match. A FOOTBALL MATCH, for heaven's sake! The power of speech had returned when I began to ponder on how death is so close to each and everyone of us. Revolutionist or not. Death is in the air of Egypt. It floats above us every single day then crashes upon a few abruptly. I always thought fatal destinies could be avoided. People were being murdered in Tahrir square so some people stayed at home. When there was havoc in the streets, people remained in their living rooms, watching chaos take place through a T.V set...watching the world go down from far away, where they were safe and sound; when the truth is, no one is safe anymore. Revolutionists die and get injured every day. Girls are getting raped on their way to the mall. Football fans die in the stadium, where they were only headed to cheer. We are not safe. No body is. No one is immune to death, of that I am sure. But in Egypt, we are all extremely prone to it in every second of our living days. Blame the revolutionists all you want. Smirk at the stones they are thwarting at soldiers. But do not mock them. Do not laugh and call them imbeciles for throwing stones for revenge. Because until death hits somebody you love so dearly and for the most unjust of reasons, you will never understand. You will never feel the guilt of the father who will always wonder why he hadn't told his son to stay home that day. You will never begin to comprehend the heartache of a mother who watched her son leave with a laugh and come home in a coffin. You will never feel lost like the girl who lost her fiance`- the man she was going to make a family with and couldn't think of making one without. So, don't mock, don't laugh and don't belittle the rage with which they try to avenge the death of their loved ones. Because you will never begin to understand what death could do to a person until it hits home. And that, I never wish upon you.

Hello and Goodbye

I do not know where to begin..what words to start with. Let me first say, hello again. It's been a while since you have been out of my life and today is one of the many days in which I thank God for that. I look at what you have become or who you always were only I never realized...and I thank God. Over and over again. The thing is, I never wished you harm. I always wished you well. I wished you would find the strength to become sane, the confidence to become self-secure and the stability to remain true to yourself and those who you love. I wished you all the good things in the world and even though I had no regrets, I cried at the thought of leaving you behind. I cried at the thought of cutting you out of my life. Excuse my honesty but the tears were not due to the wonderful person you actually were but to the fact that it was difficult to have somebody become a part of your world, your entity and suddenly, not. Finding out what I found today, I feel no remorse, no sorrow and once again, re-inforced certainty of the choice I made. What I do feel for you, however, is pity. I pity you because until this very day, you hide behind a macho mask that you think is invisible to everybody else when the truth is, everyone can see right through you. I pity that you have made innumerable attempts to send messages across to me through friends who were, up until those attempts, were always on your side. Friends who, today, salute my decision of walking away from you. I pity that you couldn't see love even when it hit you in the face. I pity you for taking it for granted. But most of all, I pity you for bragging about your age when each experience you get, you learn nothing from. To the contrary, every situation you are put in takes a little piece from you and makes you less of a person, less of a man and more like a child. I only wish that you do not continue this way, for the sake of mankind and for the sake of you, a person who afterall, I once knew. I wish you the kind of love that I have today. The kind that takes your breath away, takes you under and gets you gasping for breath. I wish you love that brings out sides of you that you never knew existed. I wish you find life and experience joy in a way you never had before. I wish you love and happiness. I wish you would let go of your attempts to show me how happy you are without me because I know I never mattered and it honestly does not concern me. And despite all the veiled-hate-messages you try sending me, I wish you enough peace to let me go.

Fortitude

- Dedicated to a person who is special to me more than she will ever understand. I will stay until it's done. I will stay until you are well. I will stay until you are back to who you used to be. That is a promise.

It breaks my heart to do it
It tears me down to see you cry
It cuts me to see the pain in your eyes
But we both know, it needs to be done

Here are the words you didn't want to hear
Here are all the things you tried not to feel
Here is the truth, no more lies
I know you've fallen but you shall rise

Here are the facts you tried to avoid
Here's the story that filled up your void
Here's a reality check, you know it isn't true
I know it's hell but I've been there too

It might take every single day
I might have to say things too hurtful to say
You'll despise me, you'll shut me out
But I will stay until it's done

P.S I will never give up on who I know you are. Even if you've forgotten or given up, I'll always be here to remind you. I will always have faith in you even when you no longer have faith in yourself.

A Never-Ending Cycle

You live your life in a bubble. Not the kind that isolates you from the world. No. What I mean is your life is always wrapped up in a bubble. You’ve got your family, friends, school or your job. Until one day one thing happens and your life is no longer what it used to be.

That one thing could be death of a loved one; somebody so critical in your life that their loss throws your whole existence off balance. That one thing could be moving to a different country where everything you know is left behind and you enter a world you are being introduced to.

Change. Nothing is immune to change. We always reject that little piece of life that throws you to a different direction. We never stop to think that the bubble always burst. That you blow air out and another bubble is formed. One that you will struggle in but eventually, get a hand of. Until it bursts again.

Constants and Variables

Change. That moment when we step out of our comfort zone to another one which we know nothing of, nothing about. It is that moment when we begin to live a life that is new to us, one so different than the life we've lead before. There's a thrill to it at first. There's this terror that revolves around it; a tension so deep that it disrupts everything that you've carried with you from your old world. Change. Once it happens in one aspect of our lives we think it needs to strike all other parts of our universe when the truth is, there's always a constant that could continue to survive in a new environment. Just because things are unfamiliar doesn't mean that you have to lose what you know and still have. Once we come to realize that, our constant could be the rock we lean on when new things fail us. And at the end of the day, it will always be settling to contemplate and find that everything had not transformed around you. It will always be good for you to have a reminder of who you used to be.

Losing Familiarity

I look at faces I knew so well
who they are now, I can not tell
Friends become enemies
and family become strangers
My heaven transforms into a hell

The pressure consumes me from within
takes over, I don't know what to think
Teacher becomes student
and parent becomes child
im on board a boat that is about to sink

I hover around them looking for a sign
a part of the old them that hasn't resigned
their smiles are fake
their talk is cheap
and I'm left dumbfounded way behind

I looked at people I once knew
I took a step forward and then withdrew
love turned to indifference
hope turned to disappointment
I no longer know any of you

Something Somewhere

Something in the air
is still
Somewhere between us
stands a hill
that suddenly appeared.

Something in your eyes
is empty
somewhere in your look
you resent me
and i dont know why.

Something in your smile
is fake
Somehow things feel
at stake
between us.

Somewhere in your words
is reassurance
It leads me no where
but endurance
won't last long.

Facts and Wishes

there was alot i hoped u could understand
about a million things i couldn't tell a man
it's getting hard it's getting cold
and there's alot unsaid that needs to be told
and i didnt know what to say
i didn't know how to make it go away
i didn't know what to do
and i could come with it to you
so now I say, I'm sorry
I wish it could have been different
but it ain't...

there was so much you needed to hear
facts I wished could disappear
alot i had to handle on my own
and no, you never left me alone
but i didn't know what to say
and i knew you cudnt make it go away
i didn't know what to do
and i couldnt work it out with you
so now i say, im sorry
i wish it could have been different
but it ain't

days go by
things tend to change
there's alot that needs to be rearranged
life happens
and i know they say its for the best
but it ain't..

there was so much i needed to say
i didn't want to walk away
there was alot i had to do
i wish i could have done it with
and i'm sorry
I wish i could say we're okay
but we ain't.

The End

I watched him wither
diminished to pieces of burnt paper
like a story that has been told
a book that has been read
and lit fire to
I watched the pieces float into air
turn to ashes that sprinkled the floor
and in turn, vanished
what was left had gone with the wind
taken to a thousand different cities
a hundred different countries
keeping a small reminder constant
of a man that had lived
a man that had tortured
a man that had died.

News of the Hour

Hold my hand
Hold it tight
feel the shivers
run through my fingers
and the shudder
race down my spine

Whisper to me
Feel it shake
my whole world
know what a simple word
from you
would do to me

Look in my eye
and see the love
I have for you
See what I can dare to do
in the name
of us

Walk away
now look back
and see me fall
see me curl into a ball
of nothingness
in your absence

Come back to me
Light up my life
rid of me this pain
its all in vain
ill never move on
without you

Dont you know by now?
That every step I take I take for you
Cant you see by now?
That with every move you make, I shift too
Didn't you hear by now?
Everyone's talking about how i Can't live without you

Perfect Measurements

your arms lock around me
emanating heat that surrounds me,
fills me in and takes me under
with heaving sighs
I hold on tight
ridding myself of all concerns inside me
until my breath eases
my grasp releases you
Inhale
Exhale
Slowly
Frail i feel, in your embrace
fragile yet carefully held
with tender hands
that fear my fall
my break
and for my own sake
you hold me quite right
as if you've got insight to my soul
as if to protect me from a fall
but nevertheless
give me room to breathe
to soar
to fly
only i always fly right back to you

Consequences

You love me like you will always get the chance.
You hug me like you will again in a few hours.
You turn your back quickly because you're so certain that you'll see me again.

Human nature. We all live through life, making the worst of mistakes, knowing that they have consequences and CHOOSING to overlook them. For some reason, there's always a louder voice in our head that believes we are above it all..that we are immortal..that there will always be time to turn around and alter our realities, undo our mistakes or fix what has been broken. Why are we so certain of time on our hands when we could run out at any minute? When life could end. Now.

Love me like there is no tomorrow.
Hug me like it is the last time.
Look at me like you never will again.

I won't be here forever. I won't tolerate your thoughtless mistakes and endless indifference for much longer. I won't keep making the same choice of staying on your side when you neglect me over and over again. I won't be a constant in your life.

One day, I will not want your love.
One day, our hug will be a wave goodbye.
One day, you'll only get to see my back as I walk away.

And when that day comes, I won't bother listening to the hundred apologies and the endless promises. I won't hurt over the fact that you'll be in pain. And it won't kill me to see you cry.

Conspiracy Theory

I walked in streets so bright and clear
Until suddenly, it took a steer
a left, a right
landmarks out of sight
Like a dog trying to catch his tail
I twisted and turned
until I finally learned
the path has been broken
into a maze within a maze
with obstacles woven
as I fell, my knees I grazed
and from between the forest
that surrounded me
a pair of eyes seemed
to be haunting me
I felt them stare
as I hit the ground
as I ran into dead ends
I could hear their sound
applauding their doing
after watching me fall
they did it all.

The Perfect Act

I played a game of make believe
to convince myself I didn't care
if you weren't there
but I do...
And I ache at the thought of parting you.
I drew a smile and painted rosy cheeks
to tell myself I'd be happy,
that this would do us good
but I don't know if it would
and I dont know if I should
keep faking to divert the attention away
off my breaking heart.
My days they are full with sunshine you know -
one that i colored so well -
can you tell
that my days are a living hell
at the thought of leaving you?
Can you see
the dagger stab its way through me
or is my smile so bright
shedding all the light
on emotions unreal?
Can you feel me?
Do you hear the voice I have silenced,
the cry I have muted,
the million quiet words that refuted
everything I do or say?
I would not blame you.
For even to me, its not clear as day;
To the contrary
I, myself, have begun to believe
a lie that I told in order not to have you bothered
or smothered
or feel like I am a mother who can't bear to leave her child
who can not wait to leave his guardian.
I believed until i remembered
the one thing i can not bear to part with -
the sight of your face...
your smile...
thats when it all compiled
sending a shimmering drop
down my dry face
to soften all the roughness
I have embraced
To remind me that i am not of stone
That i am afraid -
Not of where I'm going
nor of what we will be doing,
but of existing without you.