Denial

I'm taking a minute
To smell the fresh air
To gaze at the sky
To skip on by
With a smile on my face
I walk around
I jump around
I dance around
With a laugh that rings
And a face that shines
And when my heart races
When these knots in my stomach form
When concerns begin to surface
I look past them
I ignore them
I pretend they don't exist
Because I don't want to think
Of what will happen if I don't

Dear beloved,

I look back at my old life...the life that didn't used to include you in it and I wonder...how on earth did I ever get by? How did I survive life without the one person who makes it worth living? I look back and I see a hell of a difference. I see laughter in my world, the kind that hurts your face and gives you an abrupt severe headache. I see nights in which I go to bed with nothing but a smile because it is a policy of yours to never leave me upset for more than 10 minutes. I hear phonecalls that even until now, go on for hours. I also hear our bestfriends swearing that we would be sick of eachother after the first couple of months of us spending all our time together and I thank God that until this very day, we continue proving them wrong. So I just wanted to take this time out to tell you how much I appreciate every thing you have done for me, every single time you have been there for me, every tear you dried, every stress I had that you managed to calm down and every concern that I had which you always made go away. I need you to know that for all of that and so much more, I will forever be grateful. I will always look at you and think "Damn, I got lucky" because despite all of the bad luck, the bad guys and the bad relationships, you came along and made that all ancient history. You came along and proved that like I believed, not the entire male species is messed up. You came along and made me a happier, more confident and better version of me. So, thank you. Thank you for always accepting me as I am. Thank you for being my constant source of support. And more than anything, thank you for still looking at me the way you did when we first met...for loving me with the same passion and missing me with the same insanity. And finally, thank you for stepping in to my life when you did. You really were sent to save me.

Love always,
Your girl.

Questions & Silent Answers

You ask a hundred questions
That I can't help but laugh at.
You wonder why I love you..
What can I say to that?
You think I'm mocking you
When I laugh the way I do
But the truth is...
No words could explain
And no pictures can contain
The wonders of you!
You ask if I may stray
If one day, I can leave.
I laugh and inside, I die
Because until this day
You don't understand
The love a man like you deserves
And that you are a blessing I count every day.
I laugh because you still cannot see
What you have done to me.
You don't know I'm hooked on you
And that I linger on every single thing you do.
You don't see me sheepishly smile at you
When you're not even looking.
You ask if I can be for another
And I don't bother answering that
Because what kind of person
What kind of IMBECILE
Would leave heaven for earth?!

The Truth Lies In The Eyes of the Beholder

I had already said my goodbyes
You didn't know it would be my very last
But as I looked back at you while I walked away
My heart was beating too fast

Deep inside me I knew that this would be
The last time I lay eyes on you
There were all those little signs I could see
That didn't seem to get to you

It was something in your smile
It was no longer real
It was something in your touch
That I could no longer actually feel
And the sound of your voice..
It was solid like steel

And I knew..
Right then I knew..
All those little things that didn't seem to get to you

Picture Not So Perfect

It was time to turn the page on you
It was time to close the scrap book we've made
And give it to everyone to analyze
Even then I pinned a nice last picture of you
One that painted you perfect
One in which your eyes glistened with love as you looked at me.
I couldn't dare to tell the truth.
No picture would ever do the cruelty justice.
No photo would ever depict the misery you inflicted.
No sketch and no drawing would ever be able to highlight the indifference.
The coldness.
The resentment that had rose in you
And the vengence you had out for me, as if I were your enemy.
And even if there was,
I loved you too much to show them.
I loved you too much to tarnish the image they had of you.
It was one of purity, passion, care and better come-backs.
I once had that picture embedded within my mind as well.
Within my mind, heart, soul and being.
But you drove a hammer and a dagger and a billion knives into it
Until there was nothing left of it but pieces!!
Pieces that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't paste back together.
But they didn't see you that way.
They didn't see what I have been seeing
They saw what I used to see...a long long time ago.
It was a beautiful memory that didn't seem fair to ruin.
So I let them have it.
I re-inforced it with that nice last picture of you,
Making them believe I was irrational
And you were a victim...
Carrying in my heart a hundred truths
About a hundred forms of pain
And a hundred shapes of cruelty
And a hundred broken promises
About a single person.
A single person who I painted perfect because no matter how hard I tried,
No painting would ever do his horrors justice.

Fake Pep Talks

There will be alot of hear-say
and the worst will be said
It will all be to you
They'll try to fill up your head
They'll say I never loved you
They'll say I never cared
and believe them, if you dare
but remember first..

Remember the look in my eye
The first time we finally met
Remember the phonecalls that ran late at night
We weren't together yet
Remember when we sang in the car
Remember when we danced for the first time
Remember me, remember you and how it used to be
"For eternity", we'd say
And I thought we were strong enough
Later it became clear
I was fighting our battles alone
I came undone
As you watched me
As you hurt me
As you killed me

They'll say I never loved you
That I was over it too fast
Believe them, if you dare
but remember this last

You held me under the water
and told me to breathe
You pinned me down with just one arm
and you wouldn't release me

I used to love you once
But yes, I no longer do
You drew out of me
Every single feeling I ever had for you

You put off the fire of my passion
You turned off the light in my eyes
You made me pray day and night
To have what it takes
To have the power I need
To finally hear your voice
And not remember a thing.
To see your face
and not remember a thing.
To picture your pain...
And not feel..a thing.

Remember that.
Because I am done remembering you.
And when they convince you it was me,
Remember...it was you,

Self-doubt

That call made me wonder if I can be that kind of person. I thought again and again about whether I could make it. I suppose for a person who appears to be so confident, it comes as a surprise to see the lack of belief I have in my self, at times. It's just awkward to go there...to be in places I've never been, playing a role I never had. They say real life is so different. That is usually why I think my perfect little bubble wouldn't last out there. That I wouldn't last out there.