The Truth Lies In The Eyes of the Beholder

I had already said my goodbyes
You didn't know it would be my very last
But as I looked back at you while I walked away
My heart was beating too fast

Deep inside me I knew that this would be
The last time I lay eyes on you
There were all those little signs I could see
That didn't seem to get to you

It was something in your smile
It was no longer real
It was something in your touch
That I could no longer actually feel
And the sound of your voice..
It was solid like steel

And I knew..
Right then I knew..
All those little things that didn't seem to get to you

Picture Not So Perfect

It was time to turn the page on you
It was time to close the scrap book we've made
And give it to everyone to analyze
Even then I pinned a nice last picture of you
One that painted you perfect
One in which your eyes glistened with love as you looked at me.
I couldn't dare to tell the truth.
No picture would ever do the cruelty justice.
No photo would ever depict the misery you inflicted.
No sketch and no drawing would ever be able to highlight the indifference.
The coldness.
The resentment that had rose in you
And the vengence you had out for me, as if I were your enemy.
And even if there was,
I loved you too much to show them.
I loved you too much to tarnish the image they had of you.
It was one of purity, passion, care and better come-backs.
I once had that picture embedded within my mind as well.
Within my mind, heart, soul and being.
But you drove a hammer and a dagger and a billion knives into it
Until there was nothing left of it but pieces!!
Pieces that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't paste back together.
But they didn't see you that way.
They didn't see what I have been seeing
They saw what I used to see...a long long time ago.
It was a beautiful memory that didn't seem fair to ruin.
So I let them have it.
I re-inforced it with that nice last picture of you,
Making them believe I was irrational
And you were a victim...
Carrying in my heart a hundred truths
About a hundred forms of pain
And a hundred shapes of cruelty
And a hundred broken promises
About a single person.
A single person who I painted perfect because no matter how hard I tried,
No painting would ever do his horrors justice.

Fake Pep Talks

There will be alot of hear-say
and the worst will be said
It will all be to you
They'll try to fill up your head
They'll say I never loved you
They'll say I never cared
and believe them, if you dare
but remember first..

Remember the look in my eye
The first time we finally met
Remember the phonecalls that ran late at night
We weren't together yet
Remember when we sang in the car
Remember when we danced for the first time
Remember me, remember you and how it used to be
"For eternity", we'd say
And I thought we were strong enough
Later it became clear
I was fighting our battles alone
I came undone
As you watched me
As you hurt me
As you killed me

They'll say I never loved you
That I was over it too fast
Believe them, if you dare
but remember this last

You held me under the water
and told me to breathe
You pinned me down with just one arm
and you wouldn't release me

I used to love you once
But yes, I no longer do
You drew out of me
Every single feeling I ever had for you

You put off the fire of my passion
You turned off the light in my eyes
You made me pray day and night
To have what it takes
To have the power I need
To finally hear your voice
And not remember a thing.
To see your face
and not remember a thing.
To picture your pain...
And not feel..a thing.

Remember that.
Because I am done remembering you.
And when they convince you it was me,
Remember...it was you,

Self-doubt

That call made me wonder if I can be that kind of person. I thought again and again about whether I could make it. I suppose for a person who appears to be so confident, it comes as a surprise to see the lack of belief I have in my self, at times. It's just awkward to go there...to be in places I've never been, playing a role I never had. They say real life is so different. That is usually why I think my perfect little bubble wouldn't last out there. That I wouldn't last out there.

Gratitude

I hear the sound of your voice
And something inside me stands still
Somewhere inside, I feel peace
I feel serenity
As your melody surrounds me.
We act out
We laugh out
We sing out loud
And I can't help my beating heart
I can't help that part of me
That thanks God it has you.
We play
We compete
We argue
But I feel complete with you
Like you're the part I've been missing my whole life.
I want you.
I need you.
I love you more than I can tell.
It's a hell for me at times
To feel the slightest bit of change
To see that smile be rearranged.
I fear a repetitive path
I worry that I'd take you down that road..
The one I've taken a lot of people to.
But then again,
I hear you
I see you
And if you're so different in person
How can I worry about a similar fate?!

I'm All Over The Place

Thoughts collide inside my mind. They bombard, making my head spin. I couldn't tell if it was doubts or fears inside there. All I knew is that everything I ever went through was coming back to me. Was it really happening all over again or is this some kind of trick to test my inner-self?! I did not know. I do not know. But I really need to.

My Life: The Skipping Record

Memories, stirred inside
Where darkness resides
Silent, awaiting vulnerability
To reenact horrific acts
To remind me of days gone
Of another one
Words, pictures, scenarios
It plays again in my mind
It unwinds me
It defines me
It grinds me down
I sit around
Turn the other cheek
Wait another week
Until you return to you
To the love so true
Doubts lurking in my mind
Wondering if this is all a part
Of the same God damn charade.