Intolerable Guilt

Sometimes, I hate the fact that your life revolves around you. Because then I have to watch your entire universe spin into the freeway when I'm not around, without any direction or purpose. Because then I have to watch you be all alone and feel all alone. Because then, I hate myself for being the reason behind the misery of the one person I would kill to see happy. Feel good. Be alright. I can't afford having you otherwise. It's intolerable.

An Insomniac

It was hard to see such a beautiful soul grow so sick and tired all the time. It was difficult seeing that broken look on her face, glimpsing that tear in her eye that shimmers out of pity for herself. It was difficult to imagine she was once so young, so full of youth, health and well-being. That must have been what she was thinking too. Everytime her face flushed red and her facial expressions transformed to sorrow, she must have thought of what she used to be. How does a person go through that? How does a person go from being a child to a youth to an adult to someone who is aging? How do they have the strength to witness themselves grow weaker and weaker? I wondered. It hurt me. It scared me. But I was certain her fears and pains were far far more aching than mine. Because they always kept her up at night. Every night.

Failed Confrontation

There stood my memories,
Meters away from me.
They stared at me.
They glared at me.
They wondered why I stopped visiting..
Why I wasn't reliving them.

Memories laughed.
Memories cried.
Memories were curious
But they got no answers..
For I didn't have them.
I never had them.
But my heart did.
It always did.

Bitter Parting Of The Hearts

I fake a smile so you don't see
What your parting does to me
I fake a laugh so you can't tell
That my life without you is a living hell
But after all my strength is drained
And all my persistence has turned to pain
I must say,
I will miss you.

Remember,
I'm leaving my heart with you.
I'm leaving my soul with you.
I'm leaving my good times with you.
I'm leaving my laughter with you.

And I will return.
I will return to have them all..
Just as soon as I have you.

A Heart Breaking Loudly

I saw her change into a person that wears her heartbreak for everyone to see. I watched her as her smile faded, day by day, until it no longer appeared. I sensed her grow old on the inside, losing confidence in all the beautiful things that make her. I felt resentment. I felt resentment for every jackass who put her in that place.

Beyond Comprehension

One day, you will understand what your tear does to me.
One day, you will understand that it tears me up on the inside and leaves me exposed, like an open wound.
One day, you will understand that I can bear the world crumbling down..but I cannot bear that look of helplessness in your eyes.
One day, you will understand that when your laugh is loud and your cry is silenced on the inside, a dagger goes through my heart because I can always tell when you're faking.
One day, you will understand that each tear I cried, I cried in fear of you feeling pain.
One day, you will understand that I love you to an extent in which my heartache doesn't matter to me while your mere frown can shake my entire universe.
One day, you will understand.
I only hope you will come close to understanding.

Let's Pretend We're Alright

As the days passed, I hoped for magic powers..or only one power. A power which can make time stand still...or pass really quickly, sparing me the torture of being away from you. I held a straight face in front of you. I relied on pretenses to persuade you that I was alright..that I was not shaken by it. But the truth is, I was terrified. Every time I have to be away from you, it scares me to death. It's all the little things that I think of. It's all the little things that I'm going to miss. Like how will a day pass without me looking in your eyes? What will I do when I'm in a bad mood and I don't have your embrace to calm me down? It frightens me that in those few days in which we will be oceans away from one another, you would need me and not find me right next to you. So, I keep praying. I pray that you would be distracted by all the things that never distract you from me. Just for these few short days, I pray that you would be so busy and so happy with people other than me that I don't have to deal with your heartaching phone call that describes how much you miss me. You see, I can handle my pain. I can handle my longing to see you. But what I cannot handle is your frown. I cannot handle a temporary lack of happiness in your life. And more than anything in the world, I cannot handle the idea of not being beside you when all you want is only that.

P.S I will miss you more than you could ever imagine. But this, too, shall pass. So, let's just pretend we're alright until it does. Let's believe it won't kill us.

Surprises & Disappointments

Today, more than any other day, I wondered what on earth happened to friendship? How is it that the people I expected so little from, gave me so much...yet the people I expected the world from, gave me nothing?! The world is a funny place. You find friends at unexpected corners and people who you thought were friends...they stray along the way.

Words, come back.

Every time I had a doubt, a fear or a pain in my chest, I would put pen to paper and write. I would unleash my deepest emotions into a series of words. They may be abstract and they may be clear. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered that when I let my pen down, my mind was at ease. I could breathe a little easier. A lot easier. Words were my salvation. But what do I do when they don't come to my rescue? When I try and I try but the tools with which I once comforted myself had malfunctioned? Where do I go from there? How do I breathe easy now?

Ties Untied

No matter how hard we try to keep the ties tied, they never seem to remain that way. One day, strangers become friends and overnight, friends become strangers. The signs are always there but it takes such a gradual pace that although you see it coming, you never really believe you will get there. That person who you shared everything with...you never believe that one day, you will know nothing about until that day comes when you realize you are no longer on their mind and the sad thing is, they are no longer on yours. Nonetheless, I was one of those people who believed that distance doesn't necessarily break ties completely. Perhaps the connection between two people can grow weaker but in times of need, in times of despair and in times of true happiness, I believed that friends bond again. I believed that in those times, they remember each other again. I was wrong. When ties become untied, that is obviously the end of it.

That Happy Girl

In case you ever wondered, I just want you to know, I'm in a better place right now. I'm in a happier place. You'd never see me without my smile on and the best part is, it's always straight from my heart. I excelled at the most recent phase of my life and I'm expecting to do pretty well in the next one. I have a good life now. I rarely ponder upon my day-to-day existence and wish for anything more because I've got enough to fill me up for a hundred lifetimes to come. I'm in a good place. And I'm happy.

Friends, Family and Acquaintances

I heard that at some point, your friends become family. Their mistakes, no matter how huge, become forgivable because you have no other option but to forgive, forget, let go and hold on to what you've got. But even family grows apart. Even people with the same genes and blood grow away from eachother and become fonder of other people. Sisters meet boys and brothers meet girls and they move on to make their own families. Their loyalty becomes diverted towards someone else. Their priorities change. They make new lives for themselves and in those lives, you don't play the role you used to. You become replaced.

6 July 2012

6 July 2012. There's so much feeling there that I should be able to put into words but the truth is, I spent all my words explaining to him the bliss I have because of his existence. I wish I had more to say about it all. About that sensation that I'm building a new part of my life, only I'm building it with the help of someone else. About the moment he put a band around my finger and how I look at it every little while and smile like a teenager who is falling in love for the very first time. There's so much feeling there and even though all my efforts were spent on giving him explicit details about every thought that has been crossing my mind, there's always more inside of me when it comes to him.

On the 6th of July, 2012, I felt like I had truly said goodbye to a life I once knew. I felt like I was at peace. The feeling began to overwhelm me ever since I met him. Bit by bit I started to let go of pieces of my past. I began to forgive and forget. I said my farewells, one day at a time, to every ruined relationship, every heartache and every person I knew who made memories with me. Knowing him, I walked away from an ordinary life and entered into a world in which smiles are so frequent and laughter is so loud. I entered into a universe that knows no misery and no sadness except for when I am missing the sight of his face and the sound of his voice.

The 6th of July was really just like any day with only one difference. I said it out to the world. The look in my eyes spoke the love I had for him in front of an audience who stood there watching. And the best part is, they didn't even matter because every time I laid my eyes on him, he drowned out the crowd. Just like he did the first time I saw him. Every time I laid eyes on him, I was drawn to him and I'd remember the pull he had on me that day when I suddenly glanced at him and said "hello". He was only a stranger then. But today, that stranger is my best friend.

Growing Up (And What Comes Along With It)

When you've got only 2 weeks to say goodbye to a life you once knew, a feeling of loss can overwhelm you. The intensity and greatness of the matter can be too much to comprehend. It just doesn't seem to sink in. You start thinking again and again about the life you lead and the life you will be leading. What a great difference between the two! Things that seemed to make "big changes" seem so trivial now. Moving to a new school. Going to college. It was all just the same events in different forms. But this...This is moving out of the life you knew and into real life. It's scary. It's frightening. And the thought of whether or not you are going to make it as an adult can cripple you. It consumes me at night. Things I never thought of. Things I never had to worry about are now becoming my responsibility. Some people believe that it is easier for those who have a rock to lean on because they will never really have to worry about making a living. But sometimes..just sometimes..there are those people that find the rock even a bigger pressure because they fear that one day, they may have to let themselves down and go back to being dependent when they should be independent. Sometimes the rock is not a source of comfort but a concern. But then again, don't all these thoughts come with the package of growing up?

Denial

I'm taking a minute
To smell the fresh air
To gaze at the sky
To skip on by
With a smile on my face
I walk around
I jump around
I dance around
With a laugh that rings
And a face that shines
And when my heart races
When these knots in my stomach form
When concerns begin to surface
I look past them
I ignore them
I pretend they don't exist
Because I don't want to think
Of what will happen if I don't

Dear beloved,

I look back at my old life...the life that didn't used to include you in it and I wonder...how on earth did I ever get by? How did I survive life without the one person who makes it worth living? I look back and I see a hell of a difference. I see laughter in my world, the kind that hurts your face and gives you an abrupt severe headache. I see nights in which I go to bed with nothing but a smile because it is a policy of yours to never leave me upset for more than 10 minutes. I hear phonecalls that even until now, go on for hours. I also hear our bestfriends swearing that we would be sick of eachother after the first couple of months of us spending all our time together and I thank God that until this very day, we continue proving them wrong. So I just wanted to take this time out to tell you how much I appreciate every thing you have done for me, every single time you have been there for me, every tear you dried, every stress I had that you managed to calm down and every concern that I had which you always made go away. I need you to know that for all of that and so much more, I will forever be grateful. I will always look at you and think "Damn, I got lucky" because despite all of the bad luck, the bad guys and the bad relationships, you came along and made that all ancient history. You came along and proved that like I believed, not the entire male species is messed up. You came along and made me a happier, more confident and better version of me. So, thank you. Thank you for always accepting me as I am. Thank you for being my constant source of support. And more than anything, thank you for still looking at me the way you did when we first met...for loving me with the same passion and missing me with the same insanity. And finally, thank you for stepping in to my life when you did. You really were sent to save me.

Love always,
Your girl.

Questions & Silent Answers

You ask a hundred questions
That I can't help but laugh at.
You wonder why I love you..
What can I say to that?
You think I'm mocking you
When I laugh the way I do
But the truth is...
No words could explain
And no pictures can contain
The wonders of you!
You ask if I may stray
If one day, I can leave.
I laugh and inside, I die
Because until this day
You don't understand
The love a man like you deserves
And that you are a blessing I count every day.
I laugh because you still cannot see
What you have done to me.
You don't know I'm hooked on you
And that I linger on every single thing you do.
You don't see me sheepishly smile at you
When you're not even looking.
You ask if I can be for another
And I don't bother answering that
Because what kind of person
What kind of IMBECILE
Would leave heaven for earth?!

The Truth Lies In The Eyes of the Beholder

I had already said my goodbyes
You didn't know it would be my very last
But as I looked back at you while I walked away
My heart was beating too fast

Deep inside me I knew that this would be
The last time I lay eyes on you
There were all those little signs I could see
That didn't seem to get to you

It was something in your smile
It was no longer real
It was something in your touch
That I could no longer actually feel
And the sound of your voice..
It was solid like steel

And I knew..
Right then I knew..
All those little things that didn't seem to get to you

Picture Not So Perfect

It was time to turn the page on you
It was time to close the scrap book we've made
And give it to everyone to analyze
Even then I pinned a nice last picture of you
One that painted you perfect
One in which your eyes glistened with love as you looked at me.
I couldn't dare to tell the truth.
No picture would ever do the cruelty justice.
No photo would ever depict the misery you inflicted.
No sketch and no drawing would ever be able to highlight the indifference.
The coldness.
The resentment that had rose in you
And the vengence you had out for me, as if I were your enemy.
And even if there was,
I loved you too much to show them.
I loved you too much to tarnish the image they had of you.
It was one of purity, passion, care and better come-backs.
I once had that picture embedded within my mind as well.
Within my mind, heart, soul and being.
But you drove a hammer and a dagger and a billion knives into it
Until there was nothing left of it but pieces!!
Pieces that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't paste back together.
But they didn't see you that way.
They didn't see what I have been seeing
They saw what I used to see...a long long time ago.
It was a beautiful memory that didn't seem fair to ruin.
So I let them have it.
I re-inforced it with that nice last picture of you,
Making them believe I was irrational
And you were a victim...
Carrying in my heart a hundred truths
About a hundred forms of pain
And a hundred shapes of cruelty
And a hundred broken promises
About a single person.
A single person who I painted perfect because no matter how hard I tried,
No painting would ever do his horrors justice.

Fake Pep Talks

There will be alot of hear-say
and the worst will be said
It will all be to you
They'll try to fill up your head
They'll say I never loved you
They'll say I never cared
and believe them, if you dare
but remember first..

Remember the look in my eye
The first time we finally met
Remember the phonecalls that ran late at night
We weren't together yet
Remember when we sang in the car
Remember when we danced for the first time
Remember me, remember you and how it used to be
"For eternity", we'd say
And I thought we were strong enough
Later it became clear
I was fighting our battles alone
I came undone
As you watched me
As you hurt me
As you killed me

They'll say I never loved you
That I was over it too fast
Believe them, if you dare
but remember this last

You held me under the water
and told me to breathe
You pinned me down with just one arm
and you wouldn't release me

I used to love you once
But yes, I no longer do
You drew out of me
Every single feeling I ever had for you

You put off the fire of my passion
You turned off the light in my eyes
You made me pray day and night
To have what it takes
To have the power I need
To finally hear your voice
And not remember a thing.
To see your face
and not remember a thing.
To picture your pain...
And not feel..a thing.

Remember that.
Because I am done remembering you.
And when they convince you it was me,
Remember...it was you,