Monday, January 24, 2011
Today, I said goodbye to the person who my life revolved around for the past 7 months. Today, I spent the last day with him before another plane takes him away from me again. I woke up, got dressed and realized that for the last time - for a long time - I would be getting clothed knowing I will see his beautiful face...That face that sent a rush of comfort down my lungs, unsettling my breathing in the most wonderful way. I went down, opened the car door and there he sat. Everything was magnified today – his smile, the sun rays that hit his face making it glow and those features that conveyed sweet mischief. I was okay. I still had him. We sat in a café and talked for hours until it hit me…I won’t be having that again. Everything felt a hundred times better than it used to. The feel of his hand holding mine felt safe…just like the first time we ever held hands. His laugh seemed to make the world a happier place…just like the first time it took me by surprise making me feel like it was my goal in life to keep him smiling. And his warmth...The heat emanating from his body while I sat next to him, warming my entire soul and taking my breath away. That was when I lost it. That was when my vision started blurring and my cheeks went on fire. That was when I began to feel this strong ache in my heart. You know, the kind that makes you feel that this organ within you is a human being torn into pieces; that unbearable pain that makes you gasp for breath? That was it. In an instant as if telepathic, he looked at me. I kissed his hand and told him I was okay. “I would be okay”, those were my exact words. But I knew I wouldn’t. I would not sense my lips pressing on his palm again. I would not see the sun hitting his face, making it shine. I would not get to touch his face when he had that irresistible laugh and I wouldn’t be seeing it anytime soon. So, NO! I AM NOT OKAY. How could I be? How will I be when I open my eyes every morning knowing that my life is void of him? I am not okay. All is not well. In fact, nothing at all is well.